*Sigh*. . . Today was a difficult day. It was fun for the most part because it is the New Year and we took our clan to the Zoo but my heart felt heavy. My eldest stepson came home for winter break and has to fly home tomorrow morning. My heart aches like something fierce! The walls are spinning all around me and I want to drop down to my knees and sob because I cannot fathom sending him away. The feeling is so intense like I am mourning for the loss of my own child.
I could sense the process of detachment begin as my stepson grew quiet and distant from the rest of our family. I knew it was time for him to start crawling back into his shell and distant himself from us in an effort to make it easier on him to leave.
I wound up blowing up in front of the family this afternoon when my stepson rejected my offer to give him a haircut. It wasn't so much the fact that he rejected the offer of a haircut that got my emotions stirred up, it was all the mixed feelings inside me that caused me to explode. This happened right before we left the house to meet with our family therapist for one last session of the week. It was no surprise to our therapist that emotions were stirring when he greeted us at the door. My face was tear stained and my stepson looked down to the floor in dispair. It was time to finally hit the nail on the head. For some odd reason our therapist was happy that I was upset.
My stepson spoke with our therapist first, then I was called in. Our therapist was a little confused with how this so-called argument started and I had to explain that it was more like a "one-sided" argument because I was the one who flew off the handle. I managed to cough out my feelings. After all these years of supressing my fears and feelings I spilled the beans. "I Resent Her. I resent the fact that she is the birth mom. I resent that she is raising my stepson and doing a piss poor job at it. I don't want to put you on that plane tomorrow morning!" As I spoke, my body tremored uncontrollably and my tears soaked my freckled cheeks. I asked, "What is wrong with me? These boys are not even my children, so why the heck do I care so damn much?" I didn't understand. It's hard to explain why I've grown so emotionally attached to both my stepsons. I love them like my own. I wish they were my own. If they were my own two sons they would not have to worry about a vindictive birth mother constantly filing court papers in an effort to make life miserable.
I was a mess today. What I didn't realize was that my stepson was dealing with his own demons and by my explosion his fears manifested and he was able to verbalize his own pain. He sobbed, "Why do you go out of your way to love me? I am not worthy of being loved by you. I don't deserve your love. I hurt you so much and yet you refuse to turn your back on me."
Unworthy of being loved? Did I hear him correctly? He sees a good thing set right in front of him and he doesn't take it! Instead he walks away, thinking, "this is too good to be true". Why?
I explained to my stepson that my love for him will never seize to exist even if he makes stupid decisions in life. In all this drama, I discovered that my maternal instincts had managed to kick into high gear, ultimately creating a very strong bond with my two stepsons. I found out through my sons that this bond that I have with them is something they lack with their birth mother. It saddened me to hear from my stepson that he cannot talk to his mother about his problems the way we do. He stated that he can't hug his mother like he can his father and I. He wept when he said that his mother doesn't go out of his way to hug him and when a hug is expected, he described it as being awkward and fake. He wondered why. I can't explain why. I can't even explain why he feels more connected to me as a mother than his own birth mother. All I could suggest is that he sit down and talk to her.
My stepson worries a lot. His biggest concern is about being "loved". He wonders why his father and I refuse to turn our backs on him, and continue to love him regardless of the hurt he's caused in the past. Why love him? Well that's simple, because he needs us and we need him.
My stepson has concerns that his mother and grandparents might one day stop loving him. He is 16 years old. Kids his age shouldn't be worrying about things like that, but he does. He makes decisions based on what they want and not what he feels is good for him. He worries that if he makes a decision based on what his wants and needs are, that they will stop loving him. This is tough, we cannot live our lives pleasing everyone. Life just doesn't work that way. I don't understand the situation at hand. I wish he could see the simplicity of telling people, "No, I choose to take the path of my choice because it will help me.", and not worry about hurting their feelings. This is his life!
I have to put him on the plane early tomorrow morning. It is important for me to remind him each week how much I love him. He needs to hear those words often. . .
I could sense the process of detachment begin as my stepson grew quiet and distant from the rest of our family. I knew it was time for him to start crawling back into his shell and distant himself from us in an effort to make it easier on him to leave.
I wound up blowing up in front of the family this afternoon when my stepson rejected my offer to give him a haircut. It wasn't so much the fact that he rejected the offer of a haircut that got my emotions stirred up, it was all the mixed feelings inside me that caused me to explode. This happened right before we left the house to meet with our family therapist for one last session of the week. It was no surprise to our therapist that emotions were stirring when he greeted us at the door. My face was tear stained and my stepson looked down to the floor in dispair. It was time to finally hit the nail on the head. For some odd reason our therapist was happy that I was upset.
My stepson spoke with our therapist first, then I was called in. Our therapist was a little confused with how this so-called argument started and I had to explain that it was more like a "one-sided" argument because I was the one who flew off the handle. I managed to cough out my feelings. After all these years of supressing my fears and feelings I spilled the beans. "I Resent Her. I resent the fact that she is the birth mom. I resent that she is raising my stepson and doing a piss poor job at it. I don't want to put you on that plane tomorrow morning!" As I spoke, my body tremored uncontrollably and my tears soaked my freckled cheeks. I asked, "What is wrong with me? These boys are not even my children, so why the heck do I care so damn much?" I didn't understand. It's hard to explain why I've grown so emotionally attached to both my stepsons. I love them like my own. I wish they were my own. If they were my own two sons they would not have to worry about a vindictive birth mother constantly filing court papers in an effort to make life miserable.
I was a mess today. What I didn't realize was that my stepson was dealing with his own demons and by my explosion his fears manifested and he was able to verbalize his own pain. He sobbed, "Why do you go out of your way to love me? I am not worthy of being loved by you. I don't deserve your love. I hurt you so much and yet you refuse to turn your back on me."
Unworthy of being loved? Did I hear him correctly? He sees a good thing set right in front of him and he doesn't take it! Instead he walks away, thinking, "this is too good to be true". Why?
I explained to my stepson that my love for him will never seize to exist even if he makes stupid decisions in life. In all this drama, I discovered that my maternal instincts had managed to kick into high gear, ultimately creating a very strong bond with my two stepsons. I found out through my sons that this bond that I have with them is something they lack with their birth mother. It saddened me to hear from my stepson that he cannot talk to his mother about his problems the way we do. He stated that he can't hug his mother like he can his father and I. He wept when he said that his mother doesn't go out of his way to hug him and when a hug is expected, he described it as being awkward and fake. He wondered why. I can't explain why. I can't even explain why he feels more connected to me as a mother than his own birth mother. All I could suggest is that he sit down and talk to her.
My stepson worries a lot. His biggest concern is about being "loved". He wonders why his father and I refuse to turn our backs on him, and continue to love him regardless of the hurt he's caused in the past. Why love him? Well that's simple, because he needs us and we need him.
My stepson has concerns that his mother and grandparents might one day stop loving him. He is 16 years old. Kids his age shouldn't be worrying about things like that, but he does. He makes decisions based on what they want and not what he feels is good for him. He worries that if he makes a decision based on what his wants and needs are, that they will stop loving him. This is tough, we cannot live our lives pleasing everyone. Life just doesn't work that way. I don't understand the situation at hand. I wish he could see the simplicity of telling people, "No, I choose to take the path of my choice because it will help me.", and not worry about hurting their feelings. This is his life!
I have to put him on the plane early tomorrow morning. It is important for me to remind him each week how much I love him. He needs to hear those words often. . .
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